Saturday, December 8, 2012

Why Single People Hate Dating

I've said it before, and I will say it again:  I am happy as a single person.  But then someone comes along who has me wondering "maybe?", and all of my hard-won equilibrium is thrown off.  It's lovely in the beginning, when life is filled with daydreaming and distraction, but a completely different picture when things come crashing down, as they inevitably seem to do.  Suddenly my previously satisfying life as a single person seems so small and incomplete compared to the promised "happily ever after", and it feels like an eternity before I can return to my usual contented state.

When I was deciding whether or not to go to medical school, I distinctly recall telling my Dad that I would happily go through all of the long study days and endless nights on call if I just knew that it would be worth it in the end.  And I feel precisely the same way about dating right now - If I knew that the roller coaster of emotions and the self doubt and the awkward dates would lead to someone good in the end, it would be so easy.  But as my Dad said years ago, laughing a deep belly laugh that was at once both sympathetic and mocking, "Life just doesn't work that way Solitary".

17 comments:

Old MD Girl said...

There is no such thing as "happily ever after." Even for married people.

Mama D said...

Sadly true, OMDG. Married people have to work at being happy too!

Not so straightforward path said...

I love your reference to the Smashing Pumpkins in your label on this post!

I, too, am a happy single person and don't see it changing anytime in the future (near or far). It's great reading your posts because I can completely relate.

MomTFH said...

I'm sorry. I totally feel your pain. I'm three months into a new relationship, and I'm torn between planning to move in together and holding my breath every time I send a text, because it will definitely be the one that somehow inadvertently triggers a breakup.

I wish I could say each failed relationship was a learning experience, but sometimes it just seems like more baggage. I do always seem to get to a place where I can look back and see that I am better off and even happier without than with the person, but that transition can be rough.

It sounds like you are on the right path. You know your single life is competing with a dream of what if, not a reality. Good luck.

Solitary Diner said...

OMDG/Mama D - I'm well aware of that; my comment was mostly tongue-in-cheek. But the absence of "happily ever after" makes me even less inclined to slog through the world of dating.

Not so straightforward path - Thanks for reading and commenting!

MomTFH - Wishing you all the best in your relationship. I wish that the baggage could be avoided somehow...

Your Doctor's Wife said...

After ending my first 10 year marriage I dated for a year. I loved it purely for the fodder and laughs it gave me to share with my friends. Then I was tired of it, so I took a year off and just concentrated on myself. That was probably one of the best years of my life! I was able to just concentrate on ME. At the end of that year, I was completely content with who I was, where I was going, and at peace that I most likely would be a alone, as a single mother for the rest of my life. It was at that point I meet Doc H and it worked out perfectly, because for the first time, he was with someone who didn't "need" him and, I , was in a really good place. We both needed all our baggage to appreciate the good things and, not sweat over the inconsequential.
I think it's a learning process and timing. :0)

dolce vita said...

I hate the Dating Game. Mostly I hate that it turns me into someone not coldly rational like I normally am.

And I hate it when it doesn't end up well. So, I either will have an arranged marriage or I'll just be a wonderfully happy auntie to my best friends' kids and my sister's kids (she wants an arranged husband and six children or something)

Kate P said...

Yup. I don't hate dating so much as the guessing, uncertainty, and potential for heartbreak (not to mention my tendency to blame myself).

isandos said...

Ugh, I hear you. I'm always torn between wanting to try a new relationship and wanting to avoid repeat heartache... medicine is stressful enough.

That and I find that after making small talk with patients all day, I have very little energy for attempting first date chatter... turns out it's hard to date when you're not even motivated to take the first step.

Sharron said...

I hate the whole uncertainty that comes with starting something new and the endless worry about what might or might not happen. Sorry it did not pan out. At the minute I am grateful for my single status, the hours I have been putting in I have not had the time or energy to think about it, sometimes a good thing

barefootmeds said...

Oh Solitary, I'm sorry. But then again, you don't strike me as feeling sorry for yourself at all, and that is so so good.
Funnily, I am a non-single person who hates dating. The poor boy gets very confused, because whenever we have spent some time apart I become very stand-offish. I like being with him, but I also like my alone-time.
But this isn't about me - and your dad was so right. Life is so strange sometimes, and unpredictable! And you're going about it pretty inspiringly, so keep at it.

Rhona said...

I feel the same way that is why I don't even bother to date. There is no such thing as a guarantee (in relationships) so I don't it. Too much risk and sorry but my heart is too precious. I LOVE being single and free. It's the best.

missmccracken said...

new relationships are confusing, and never come with guarantees. This makes me want to scream! I study for everything else in life to succeed, why can't I just study a lot of dating books and know I'm going to ace this?

The only thing that seems to ever work in my favor is 1. having a good hair day and 2. feeling really good about myself (usually a result of good hair day)Then I get positive attention. The rest of the time, I have perfected my ability to become invisible :)

Anonymous said...

Tell me about it. I like the early phase in relationships where I guess all the hormones and excitement is flying around, but I find troubles start popping up after 4 months. For the first 3 months I'm falling head over heels, so interested, so happy, everything's fun. Then, for instance, around month 4 he decides he's not as bothered about seeing me, and I'm trying to be all cool with it...when I'm really, really not...

Suddenly I realise another person has a hold on my happiness. And how the heck did that happen? Wasn't I just fine before? Why does getting into a relationship make me emotionally dependent on someone else's support, is it like this for everyone else?

:( It blows.

Bibiana said...

EVERYTHING in life has some sort of risk. And even an arranged marriage doesn't offer a guarantee. I found that the only solution is to keep a level head, but be OPEN to whatever life brings. You never know where you will meet someone'.I met my sweetheart of 3 years in my local library! If I had walked around being shut off or defensive, I would never have met anyone.

Bibiana said...

There are no guarantees in life, and I don't believe shutting oneself off is the answer. I feel people should be cautious and level -headed, but be OPEN to what life can bring you. I met my sweetheart of three years in my local library. If I had been cynical and defensive I would be alone today. And for the record, don't give up on love. I am 57 years old.

Anonymous said...

Bless you - and thank-you for your blog. I'm a 43 year old 'confirmed bachelorette' living a very content, active and blessed life. I won't deny that I've had some great past relationships (Cupid and I are not strangers) but I have found that I'm happiest being single. It suits my nature. The key is to be happy wherever you are as you are - at least it is for me.