Friday, January 3, 2014

The Year Ahead

I have exactly one resolution for 2014:  Pass my Royal College exam. 

For the past six months, the exam has been a constant presence in my life.  At best, it's been in the background of my mind; at worst, it's hijacked my thoughts completely.  I have nightmares about it.  It gives me panic attacks.  I dread it in a way that I've never dreaded any exam before in my life.  I just want it done and behind me so that I can feel like a normal, functional human being again.  No matter what I have to do, I'm getting this exam finished so that I never have to go through this experience again.  Ever*.

Beyond that?  I want 2014 to be a year in which I remain open to possibility.  I've always been a very cautious person, believing that I can protect myself from pain by staying small and risking nothing.  I put off going to medical school until my late 20s because it scared me too much.  I avoided dating for years because it inevitably carries rejection and heartbreak.  I refused to push myself beyond my comfort zone because my comfort zone was just so safe and...well...comfortable.  And while I'm sure this approach has spared me some suffering in my life, I don't think it's served me well overall.  Looking back on my life, my biggest regrets aren't for the things that went wrong, but rather for the risks I didn't take.

So I'm going to take risks.  Starting with another date tomorrow night**.  And then, who knows?  Possibility.  My word for 2014.

*Before people start worrying, I'm actually starting to cope better with the exam.  I've realized that I'm actually in reasonably good shape, and I've taken the attitude that I will pass it if I put in the work.

At least, that's my attitude for today.  Ask me again tomorrow when I'm crying on my bathroom floor.

**I said recently that I wasn't going to date again until the exam was over.  I apparently lied.  Dating is probably an irrational and unwise thing to do...but...oh well...


Mama D said...

Wanting to date just makes you human. Embrace that. And I'm glad that you are panicking less about the exam!!

MomTFH said...

I agree! Wanting to date is normal, not irresponsible. I don't know if this makes sense, but at times I feel being lonely can be more distracting than trying to date. I went on a second date last night, and it was nice.

I'm guessing your upcoming exam is equivalent to our internal medicine board exam, right? I'm sorry you're having such anxiety over it. There are so many exams we have to take in our field - even more than I anticipated. I hope you survive the prep stress, and I'm sure you'll rock the exam.

McPolish said...

Irrational and unwise, maybe (though I don't really believe that), but full of POSSIBILITY. A very good word for the year.

Am sending positive, medical-like vibes to you as you study. You're going to pass with flying colors.

Newlymeds said...

Hope 2014 has been a great year for you so far and good luck with the exam!!