What I Will Be Doing Instead of Writing a Play

Remember when Christmas was still a month away and I was freaking out because I thought I wouldn't have enough to do?  And then I decided that I was going to use some of my spare holiday time to write a play?

Hahahahaha.

Yeah.  About that.  As the holidays approached, my list of things to do slowly grew.  At the current time, I am absolutely committed to the following activities:

Dinner and a movie with my new friend tonight*
Christmas Eve dinner with family tomorrow night
Christmas Eve sleepover with my Mom
Christmas Day dinner with more family
Counseling session with my performance coach on Thursday**
French lesson on Thursday
Dinner and a show with friends at the Art Gallery on Friday

And this is with minimal effort actually put into making plans.  I still have a list of multiple other friends with whom I'm hoping to make plans in the next ten days.  I have made so many plans that I actually managed to double book myself for Friday night, and for the third year in a row I will not be attending my residency group's annual party.  (Is it surprising that an introvert would pick an intimate evening with friends over a big party?  Zero surprising.)

Until about a week ago, I was still thinking about writing a play.  But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a burden that I would resent, rather than a fun activity to keep me busy over the holidays.  And then I had an insanely busy week on call, which has left me with a desk covered in unfinished work, and I thought "nope".  No.  No play this year.  Rest.

Over the next ten days, I'm just going to recharge and get my life back on track.  I'm going to empty the dishwasher that has been clean since Monday and refill it with the week's worth of dishes that are on the counter.  I'm going to replenish my freezer stores so that I won't go hungry the next time I'm on call.  And I'm going to do a little (lot) of work stuff so that I will not feel too horribly overwhelmed when I go back to work.

And I'm going to do fun stuff!  I saved season two of Stranger Things, so there will be some serious binge watching.  And books.  And drinking peppermint hot chocolate.  And drinking all of the wine I couldn't drink while I was on call.  And sleep.  Glorious, glorious sleep.

It may not be the same as Christmas with my ex's family, but I think it's going to be lovely all the same.

*I made a new friend this year!  As an introvert who treats friends like precious heirlooms and keeps them forever, this is exciting.

**I need to write a post about this, because this has been life-changing.

OMG I Have Ten Days Off at Christmas

The past two years, I haven't really enjoyed Christmas.  As the junior staff member, I've been on call over the holidays, meaning that I've never quite been able to relax, lest I get paged away in the middle of the gift opening or family dinner.  It also means I haven't been able to drink, which is a bad thing given the specialness that is my family.

When putting in my call requests for this year, I asked to have the full week off in return for taking Christmas two years in a row, and I was successful!  M and I celebrated when the call schedule came out, envisioning leisurely days spent sleeping in and playing games and eating all the Christmas baking.  It was going to be wonderful.

Somehow, it didn't occur to me until today that my Christmas plans have changed.

I mean...I knew intellectually that I wasn't going to be spending Christmas with M and her family.  I am actually in touch with what is going on in my life.  But somehow, in the moments when I would look ahead to Christmas, I still pictured an abundantly full holiday, packed with all of the activities I've done since I met M.

Which isn't what's going to happen.  There will be no family puzzle or Christmas morning cheese tray or days spent at M's parents' house in pjs.  There will be one Christmas Eve dinner at my brother's, followed by the opening of a few presents the next day, and that will be it.  And then there will be eight days on my own, when my friends are busy with their families or traveling to other cities.  Me, the cats, and my apartment.  For eight days.

When I suddenly realized what was ahead of me, I panicked.  I actually thought about booking some clinics that week so as to not have to face such an abundance of alone time.  Or maybe flying away somewhere, so that at least I could be distracted from my aloneness by the sites of a new city.  Anything to not spend the holidays drinking wine and singing sad love songs a la Bridget Jones.

But, I probably won't do any of those things.  People are notoriously bad for not coming to clinics during the Christmas holidays, which would mean I'd be miserable and lonely while wearing work clothes instead of sweat pants.  And given that I just came back from Quebec City and am planning a trip to France, I don't feel like I can justify any more travel for a while.  So I will be here.

And now I am planning.  I'm messaging any friends who might be around to say "Please entertain me".  I'm booking a massage.  I'm writing a list of things that I can do to keep myself from spending what should be 10 wonderful days off wallowing in a sea of self pity.  Or (God forbid) from trying to online date over the holidays, which is really one of the saddest things a person can do.

Any suggestions of things to add to my list?

Looking Ahead to Buy Nothing Day

Since I was in university over 20 years ago, I have been an enthusiastic participant in Buy Nothing Day.  Founded in Vancouver in 1992, Buy Nothing Day is a day on which people are encouraged to literally buy nothing as a way of reflecting on the negative aspects of our consumer society.  Not coincidentally, in the United States it is held on the Friday after Thanksgiving, when many people are rushing out to the stores (and sometimes killing each other) to get a start on their Christmas/Hanukkah shopping.

I love Buy Nothing Day because I think it is all too easy to get caught up in the message that holidays are about things.  Giving the best gifts, serving the fanciest foods, and having the most festively decorated home.  And while none of those things are inherently bad (especially not the fancy food), every one of them requires an investment of time and energy and comes at the expense of other activities.  If you're out pepper spraying someone to get a deal on video games, then you aren't at home playing video games with your family.

For me, Buy Nothing Day is another reminder to be mindful.  To think about what is important to me in life and especially during the holidays, rather than just taking directions from advertisements and the dominant culture.  Over the years, I've decided to reduce my gift giving, because I don't want more things in my apartment, and because I prefer time with my family to time in the mall.  I was reminded of how ridiculous gift giving can be last weekend when I decluttered a huge portion of my apartment, as many of the things I got rid of were things that had been gifted to me.  Huge expenditures of time and money had gone into things that I ended up leaving in my apartment lobby for other people to take.

I'm really excited this year to have a full 9 days off over the holidays, which hasn't happened since my last year of medical school in 2009.  I could use some of my abundant time off to do more Christmas decorating and shop for Christmas gifts...but there is zero of me that wants to do that.  I want to hang out with my nieces and have games days with friends and eat appetizers with my Mom.  To me, these are the things that make a holiday.  Not anything that I can buy on Buy Nothing Day.

(Edited to add:  Ten days!  I actually have 10 days!  I didn't realize that the Monday (January 1) was a holiday too.  WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!)

Why Are You Getting Rid of Your Christmas Tree?

A few nights ago, I called my Mom up to ask her if she wanted any of the Christmas decorations that I was getting rid of, and she asked me what I was going to use to decorate my tree this year.

"Oh, I'm getting rid of my tree," I responded.

Long pause.  Followed by my Mom going through all five Kubler Ross stages of grief while she adjusted to this news.

"Noooooo.....you're not actually getting rid of your tree.  Your Christmas tree?  You're getting rid of your Christmas tree?

"I didn't raise you to not have a Christmas tree!  No daughter of mine is allowed to not have a Christmas tree!"

"What if I come over and put up the tree?  I can bring egg nog!  You have to put up a tree."

"Well...I guess Christmas is ruined again this year.  I'm just going to lie on the floor feeling sad about how treeless your Christmas is."

"Unnnnngggghhhhh.....fine.....maybe this isn't the biggest crisis to ever hit mankind.  I suppose someday I can forgive you for getting rid of your tree.  Maybe."

(I exaggerate only in the slightest.)

I should have expected this kind of reaction, but despite knowing my Mom for over four decades, she still has the capacity to surprise me.  And I was surprised by the intensity of her reaction to me getting rid of my tree.  Because I wasn't trying to ruin the holiday or make some sort of anti-Christmas statement.  I actually really like Christmas!  I just don't want to put up a tree anymore.

My dislike of Christmas trees (or, more accurately, of my former Christmas tree) stems in part from living in a not very big one-bedroom apartment.  As you can see from yesterday's picture, my living room doesn't really have space to put up a tree, so it was always crammed into a corner where I could barely see it.  And when it wasn't up, it was in my storage space (or in its box in the living room), blocking my access to my non-perishable food supply.

More than that, I hated taking the time to set up a tree at Christmas.  I am usually on call for at least part of the holiday*, leaving me constantly short on time, and I started to resent spending any of that time putting up and taking down a tree.  It stopped being an activity that "sparked joy" and started being yet another thing on a too-long to-do list.

So I got rid of my tree.  I moved it from my living room floor to the free giveaway area in my lobby, and it has now been adopted by my building caretaker**.  With the tree and the Rubbermaid containers and the really crappy chair that didn't work gone, I feel like I can breathe in this room again.  And when the holiday comes, I can spend time with the people I love, instead of decorating a tree that I had come to hate.

*But not this year!!!!!

**He is going to put it up in the lobby, meaning that I will be able to enjoy my tree without storing or decorating it.  I feel like I won.

My Anti-Consumerism Christmas

I've written before about how much I dislike gifts.  It's not that I intentionally want to be a Scrooge, it's simply that I don't have a lot of material wants and needs (by privileged North American standards), and those that I have are easily met on my physician salary.  What I want far more than a sweater that someone else picked for me or another gadget for our overflowing kitchen drawers is time.  Time to rest, time to read, time to do the 1000-piece puzzle that I ordered from Amazon.

For years, I've been trying to convince my family members to simplify Christmas by giving fewer gifts.  And for years, I've been met with a desire to maintain the status quo of everyone giving gifts to everyone else.  This year, however, possibly as a result of my years of wearing down rationally discussing my views with my family members, people have finally agreed to cut back on gift giving.  Success!

Here (in case this is interesting to you) is how it is all working out:

Girlfriend (M):  M is the one person I enjoy giving gifts to, because she has a long running list of things that she wants, which makes her really easy to buy for.  And, unlike me, she loves getting gifts.  Last year I took this way too far, to the point where it was awkward for me to give her gift after gift in front of her family members.  This year, we are giving just one larger gift and one "stocking stuffer" to each other.  Our cluttered apartment will appreciate the (relative) self restraint.

Mom:  Normally my Mom gives everyone multiple gifts, many of which end up being returned or donated to the thrift store because she bought them months earlier to "save money" and they can no longer be returned.  This year, she is planning on one physical gift for each person (maximum ~$30) and one gift card to a preferred store.  Some of the physical gifts are still of questionable quality (sorry M), but at least they are smaller, and at least the gift cards will get used.

Because I hate shopping, I once again bought my Mom season's tickets to our local theatre.  We go to the theatre six times per year, and it's a great way for us to spend some dedicated time together and to do something we both enjoy.  Way more valuable than anything I could find in a mall.

Brother and Sister-In-Law:  I consider this my biggest win of the year!  My brother and sister-in-law have crazy busy lives, which have gotten even busier since bringing home a new puppy, so I managed to sell them on the idea of no gifts between couples.  I'm far happier to spend an hour or two more with them than I would be running around trying to find them a half decent gift.

Nieces:  When I suggested to my brother that we not exchange gifts, his first reaction was "But you'll still get the girls something, right?"  To which I sighed.  Because my nieces have everything.  There is literally nothing in the world that either of them needs.  Clothes, makeup, music, movies, ski equipment, a new puppy.  They have everything.  For their birthdays this year, I copied my idea for my Mom and gave them both season's tickets to our local children's theatre.  But for Christmas?

One of the things that makes me sad about my nieces is that neither of them really reads for fun.  When I was a kid, my single favourite thing was to visit the bookmobile that would come to our neighbourhood once a week.  I would return home with shopping bags full of books, which I would then proceed to binge-read until my parents forced me to turn out the bedroom light and go to sleep.  (Sadly, I didn't own a flashlight for reading under the covers.)  I really want to get my nieces more into reading, so once again I decided to get them books for Christmas.  I was very successful with Chris Colfer's book last year, so they will probably always get books from me.  Whether they want to or not.

 And that's it.  Christmas shopping done with only two trips to the mall.  Success!

If you celebrate Christmas, how are you doing with your shopping?

Edited to add:  Ummm...or Hanukkah.  Of course.

Forced Holidays

I've been feeling quite resentful about having only three days of holidays for Christmas this year*.  For the past two years, I've had a full week off, and I've loved having some time to sleep and read and recuperate, in addition to the time spent rushing around celebrating with family.  I can't complain too much, though, as the short holiday was entirely my own doing.  Back in July, when I was feeling crippled by my six-figure debt, I decided it would be best to maximize my income by taking as little time off as possible.  (Big mistake)

Apparently, my body decided this week that it was finished with my busy work schedule that has far too often spilled over into the evenings and weekends.  When I started my afternoon clinic yesterday afternoon, I noticed that my throat was a little sore, and my energy level was starting to wane.  By the third patient, I was starting to feel like death.  By the end of clinic, I wasn't certain that I would make it home.  I spoke with my clerk before leaving for the day, who told me that I had seven new patients in today's morning clinic.  I bravely said "I'll be there" as I left her office, but by the time I made it to my office I had started rigoring.  Who was I kidding?  I called her back and cancelled today's clinic.

After 17 hours in bed, three naproxens, and a good schluck of generic Nyquil, I'm starting to feel human again.  My plan for the day is to spend most of it on the couch catching up on the Walking Dead.  There will also be lots of juice, chicken noodle soup, and maybe some Kraft dinner.  If I feel really ambitious, I'll make creme brulee for Christmas eve dessert.  We shall see.

Wishing everyone who celebrates it a Merry Christmas!  Hope you're feeling better than I am.

*For the people in healthcare and other fields who have to work through holiday, I am truly sorry.  Been there, done that.  I know that three days off is better than many people get.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I find the Christmas season stressful.  I'm a person who prefers being undercommited to being overcommited*, so I get easily overwhelmed by the addition of holiday parties and gift buying and dainty making to my schedule.  (But not the dainty eating.  I'm always game for dainty eating.)  Last year was particularly challenging for me, as it was my first Christmas with my girlfriend, and we tried to fit in all of the gatherings and traditions that are important to both of us.  It was too much, and it left both of us (mostly me) exhausted by the end.

This year, I thought I would cut back on my stress level by being on top of my game from the beginning.  I would make all the dainties and buy all the gifts and stock the liquor cabinet early so that once the celebrating began, I would be ready to just enjoy myself.  And I was doing okay, up until the point two weeks ago when I said "Why yes, I'd be happy to revamp the entire curriculum before January"**.

Wait...what?  Who agreed to revamp an entire curriculum in six weeks?  At Christmastime?  It couldn't possibly have been me, because I am a rational human being who recognizes her limitations and doesn't take on utterly ridiculous and near impossible tasks.

Aren't I?

Apparently I'm not.  Because I did take on that task at precisely the time when I most want to be scaling back and enjoying my life outside of work.  And if I could find a way to go back in time and open my mouth and take those words back into it and swallow them whole so that they could never, ever escape my lips, I absolutely would.  Because when I look ahead to the next 19 days, it isn't Christmas spirit that I see. 

*What does it say about our society that overcommited is a legitimate word, while undercommited apparently isn't?

**Back in July, I also said "Why yes, I'd be happy to be on call the entire week after Christmas", not realizing that my girlfriend would have the time off of work.  Bah humbug.

Status Update

I had no intention of being absent from the blog for as long as I was.  Work got busy; life outside of work got busy; and somehow, in the midst of it, six weeks passed without a single blog post.  Sorry!

A few weeks ago, I was finally starting to settle into the routine of being an attending.  My anxiety about being responsible for all the people was becoming manageable; I was figuring out how to work with my large and diverse group of clerks and nurses and other support staff; and I no longer had moments when I would look around me hoping that there was, in fact, someone other than me who was in charge.  It was refreshing after two months of nearly continuous panic.  Then, two weeks ago, I started back on the inpatient service, and it all went to hell again.

In addition to my entirely manageable schedule of clinics and clinic prep time (so many labs to review, so many patients to call), I was once again dealing with new consults and follow ups and phone calls from remote communities with no access to anything and residents with their own needs and personalities.  And it was nuts.  I would find myself at the end of the day doing the terrifying dance of a three-year-old in need of a potty because I hadn't made it to the bathroom since I left for work in the morning.  I kept cancelling plans with my girlfriend because the work never seemed to end.  I was exhausted.  And stressed!  So stressed that I could think of nothing other than the seemingly endless needs of the patients under my care.

And then, Friday night, after 12 consecutive days of call, I finally got a reprieve.  My girlfriend had forced me to take the weekend off of call because her birthday was Saturday, so I started my glorious 63-hour break from my pager.  It took me the first 24 hours to stop frantically reaching for my belt and panicking that I'd forgotten my pager at home, but it has otherwise been lovely.  We've had a birthday party with friends, gone to explore a new kitchen store*, eaten at a fancy restaurant, and bough $245 worth of booze**.  I am now sitting on the couch in pjs with cats, which is pretty much my favourite way to spend a Sunday.  My girlfriend is off at church, and when she returns we will have a second birthday party, complete with fancy cocktails and cheesy card games.  Life is good.

As long as I don't think about the fact that I go back on call at 8 am tomorrow***.

*Funny story (to me at least):  The kitchen store was selling a chef's knife that I have been coveting for years for 50% off, and we decided that it was too good a deal to pass on.  The only problem was that my girlfriend had been planning to buy it for me for Christmas, which she obviously couldn't do with me standing right there.  I offered to just buy it for myself, which she thought was a terrible idea, because I am a person who wants very few material things and is therefore impossible to shop for.  (I'm also incredibly picky.)  After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, I finally decided that she should just go ahead and buy it for me, but wanting to maintain the illusion of surprise, I loudly declared "I'm just going to walk over to the other side of the store, and I will pay no attention to whatever may or may not happen between you and that knife."  The clerk thought we were nuts.

**I bought my girlfriend a cocktail recipe book for her birthday, and we decided that we needed "a few things" in order to make some of the more interesting cocktails.  We probably shouldn't have gone to the liquor store late at night when we were both exhausted/lacking our usual self restraint, but the upside of the experience is that we are now well-equipped to make pretty much any cocktail that a person could want.  Unless it requires cognac, because I still had enough self restraint to not spend $3 per ounce on the cheapest bottle of cognac.  Hard liquor never goes bad, right?

***Thankfully for only three days.  On Thursday, I head to San Francisco for a conference and a few days of vacation with my girlfriend.  I was traveling in San Francisco when the girlfriend and I started chatting online, so I'm looking forward to showing her all of the places that I told her about when I was first wooing her.