I'm not big into dates, but for some reason I love the start of the new year. Even though there's nothing magical about the transition from December 31 to January 1, it always gets me reflecting on the previous year and thinking ahead to the next. When I re-read my New Year's post from this year, I had to laugh at my intention for 2019:
"And what for 2019? Mostly, I want to keep going on the path that I'm
already on. I want to remain in the present moment, enjoying it when I
can and learning from it when I can't."
Learning from it when I can't describes so much of the past year. I existed in a state of near-constant stress for months, and then I basically fell apart when the chronic stress became too much. For weeks, I wasn't certain if I would choose to (or even be able to) stay at work. It was horrible.
Probably the wisest thing I did, and something that was only possible because of my mindfulness practice, was stay present in the tough moments. My mantra through that time, which I would sometimes recite multiple times in a day, was "Be patient. Be present." I somehow knew that, if I could just show up for those moments, that I would learn something important from them.
And I have learned an incredible amount over the past year. I've learned that I am limited in how much I can do well (as is everyone), and more importantly, I've learned that I have the support of my institution to set limits on my work. I don't have to overbook all of my clinics. I don't have to work through weekends most of the time. I don't have to say yes to every administrative task that comes my way. I can (and absolutely must) say no.
I've also learned that I am very hard working, even though I don't always feel that way when I compare myself to the overachievers who seem to be everywhere in medicine. I regularly go beyond what I need to for my patients, and I show up for them even on the days when I would rather pull the covers over my head. I'm committed to the work that I do, and I put in the effort needed to be a really good doctor.
Overall, as hard as a lot of the past year has been, I'm really proud of myself for getting through it. And for not quitting my job! Because it's generally a pretty good one, and I do a pretty good job at it, if I may say so myself.
Showing posts with label 2019. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2019. Show all posts
Friday, December 27, 2019
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Words
In March of last year, about 5 months after my major breakup, I decided that I was ready to start dating again. I had gotten past my initial euphoria at leaving a bad relationship, allowed myself to grieve the good parts, and reached the point where I felt okay with being single. I was ready.
As I was getting back into dating, I distinctly remember thinking about how good a mental space I was in. I felt like I had worked through a lot of my old demons (anxiety, self doubt) and kind of figured things out. I understood shit. I can even remember, in one particularly arrogant moment, thinking that I had learned most of the big things in life and really didn't have that much more to learn.
(Cue deep laughter from the universe.)
In my last post of an unsuccessful NaBloPoMo, I wrote somewhat glibly about starting to meditate, completely diminishing the magnitude of the impact it has had on me. On one level, it has done what I expected it to: made me appreciate the present moment more, helped lower anxiety, and improved my always inconsistent sleep. What I completely didn't expect was the deeper changes it has brought about*.
Through meditation, I am learning to see everything more clearly. I am getting more comfortable with difficult things and learning to sit with them so that I can understand them better. Habits, thought patterns, relationships. The last half of this year feels like a veritable explosion of self understanding and personal change. Far more has happened than I can possibly capture in a single New Year's post.
It became popular a few years ago to choose a word for the year as a way of setting an intention, and while I didn't do it at the beginning of 2018, in retrospect, my word for the year was clearly growth.
And what for 2019? Mostly, I want to keep going on the path that I'm already on. I want to remain in the present moment, enjoying it when I can and learning from it when I can't.
2019 is going to be all about mindfulness.
*This whole post feels so hokey, and if I'd read someone else's version of it a year ago, I'm sure I would have rolled my eyes and accused the writer of having drunk the magical kombucha.
As I was getting back into dating, I distinctly remember thinking about how good a mental space I was in. I felt like I had worked through a lot of my old demons (anxiety, self doubt) and kind of figured things out. I understood shit. I can even remember, in one particularly arrogant moment, thinking that I had learned most of the big things in life and really didn't have that much more to learn.
(Cue deep laughter from the universe.)
In my last post of an unsuccessful NaBloPoMo, I wrote somewhat glibly about starting to meditate, completely diminishing the magnitude of the impact it has had on me. On one level, it has done what I expected it to: made me appreciate the present moment more, helped lower anxiety, and improved my always inconsistent sleep. What I completely didn't expect was the deeper changes it has brought about*.
Through meditation, I am learning to see everything more clearly. I am getting more comfortable with difficult things and learning to sit with them so that I can understand them better. Habits, thought patterns, relationships. The last half of this year feels like a veritable explosion of self understanding and personal change. Far more has happened than I can possibly capture in a single New Year's post.
It became popular a few years ago to choose a word for the year as a way of setting an intention, and while I didn't do it at the beginning of 2018, in retrospect, my word for the year was clearly growth.
And what for 2019? Mostly, I want to keep going on the path that I'm already on. I want to remain in the present moment, enjoying it when I can and learning from it when I can't.
2019 is going to be all about mindfulness.
*This whole post feels so hokey, and if I'd read someone else's version of it a year ago, I'm sure I would have rolled my eyes and accused the writer of having drunk the magical kombucha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)