The first four weeks of my most recent relationship passed in a strange and magical sort of delirium. Perhaps I have always felt this way at the beginning of a relationship and had simply forgotten, but it seemed more intense and all-consuming than any relationship I'd ever been in. When we weren't together, we texted constantly, and when not texting, I still thought about her all the time. It was utterly distracting in the most wonderful of ways.
And then, something shifted.
I can't pinpoint the moment or the reason, but suddenly my interest waned. I waited longer to respond to texts, and I wanted to see her less often. It became easier to say goodnight at the end of a date. Without any real warning, I was done.
So Saturday evening, I broke up with her.
It was a horribly difficult thing for me to do, because I hate hurting people. In the past, I have stayed in relationships way too long (weeks to months to years too long) out of a desire to not hurt the other person. While we had only been together seven weeks, we had made plans months into the future, and I felt like an ass for being the one to say that those things weren't going to happen.
I spent most of Saturday agonizing over breaking up with her, even though I had no real doubt that it was the right thing to do. I contemplated waiting, "giving it a bit more time", because I was dreading the moment of the breakup. I texted all my close friends, trying their patience with hours of rapid cycling between "I'm going to break up with her tonight" and "I'm going to wait a little longer". I was unbearable.
And then I saw a Facebook post from an ex of mine from years ago. She had fallen apart when I broke up with her, crying and sending me angry texts for weeks. The Facebook post was a picture of her, 20 weeks pregnant, with her wife. It is completely cliché to say this, but the only way to describe her expression is "glowing".
And then it was easy. Because while breakups are messy and hurtful and absolutely zero fun, people do survive them. And hopefully there are better things waiting for all of us on the other side.