I'm not big into dates, but for some reason I love the start of the new year. Even though there's nothing magical about the transition from December 31 to January 1, it always gets me reflecting on the previous year and thinking ahead to the next. When I re-read my New Year's post from this year, I had to laugh at my intention for 2019:
"And what for 2019? Mostly, I want to keep going on the path that I'm
already on. I want to remain in the present moment, enjoying it when I
can and learning from it when I can't."
Learning from it when I can't describes so much of the past year. I existed in a state of near-constant stress for months, and then I basically fell apart when the chronic stress became too much. For weeks, I wasn't certain if I would choose to (or even be able to) stay at work. It was horrible.
Probably the wisest thing I did, and something that was only possible because of my mindfulness practice, was stay present in the tough moments. My mantra through that time, which I would sometimes recite multiple times in a day, was "Be patient. Be present." I somehow knew that, if I could just show up for those moments, that I would learn something important from them.
And I have learned an incredible amount over the past year. I've learned that I am limited in how much I can do well (as is everyone), and more importantly, I've learned that I have the support of my institution to set limits on my work. I don't have to overbook all of my clinics. I don't have to work through weekends most of the time. I don't have to say yes to every administrative task that comes my way. I can (and absolutely must) say no.
I've also learned that I am very hard working, even though I don't always feel that way when I compare myself to the overachievers who seem to be everywhere in medicine. I regularly go beyond what I need to for my patients, and I show up for them even on the days when I would rather pull the covers over my head. I'm committed to the work that I do, and I put in the effort needed to be a really good doctor.
Overall, as hard as a lot of the past year has been, I'm really proud of myself for getting through it. And for not quitting my job! Because it's generally a pretty good one, and I do a pretty good job at it, if I may say so myself.
I've heard that the third decade in any century is one of great progress and energy. So here is to a roaring new decade for you. I hope that all will go well with you.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope it is for all of us!
DeleteYes! The constant competition among and between doctors borders on psychotic at times. You ARE good enough. Sometimes “winning” is irrelevant. I hope next year is better.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Me too....although ultimately, I consider this to have been a good year, even if a hard one.
DeleteBe patient, be present. It really helps, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are not overdoing anymore. It will kill you and/or make you crazy. Or both.
It does! I initially thought I would only need it when I was going through the rough patch earlier this year, but I continue to pull it out. I've been struggling a bit with my yoga practice lately, and I have been coming back to this mantra.
DeleteLove your mantra, friend. I am going to borrow that one for 2020.
ReplyDeleteMy go to is "Progress, not perfection." Gets me through a lot.
I hear you on the difficult year with the stressful job. I'm in short timers mode at this point, but surprisingly that doesn't make the stress of work go away. I may need a better technique for these last couple years.
Happy to share it with you!
DeleteThat's a great mantra too. I'm hopefully going to write a New Year's post today, and "Progress, not perfection" describes my approach to (dare I say it) resolutions this year.
I'm glad you ultimately got so much out of your year. I like your mantra, too.
ReplyDeleteMe too! Here's hoping that 2020 treats us all kindly (maybe a new president for you lovely people down South?).
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