When putting in my call requests for this year, I asked to have the full week off in return for taking Christmas two years in a row, and I was successful! M and I celebrated when the call schedule came out, envisioning leisurely days spent sleeping in and playing games and eating all the Christmas baking. It was going to be wonderful.
Somehow, it didn't occur to me until today that my Christmas plans have changed.
I mean...I knew intellectually that I wasn't going to be spending Christmas with M and her family. I am actually in touch with what is going on in my life. But somehow, in the moments when I would look ahead to Christmas, I still pictured an abundantly full holiday, packed with all of the activities I've done since I met M.
Which isn't what's going to happen. There will be no family puzzle or Christmas morning cheese tray or days spent at M's parents' house in pjs. There will be one Christmas Eve dinner at my brother's, followed by the opening of a few presents the next day, and that will be it. And then there will be eight days on my own, when my friends are busy with their families or traveling to other cities. Me, the cats, and my apartment. For eight days.
When I suddenly realized what was ahead of me, I panicked. I actually thought about booking some clinics that week so as to not have to face such an abundance of alone time. Or maybe flying away somewhere, so that at least I could be distracted from my aloneness by the sites of a new city. Anything to not spend the holidays drinking wine and singing sad love songs a la Bridget Jones.
But, I probably won't do any of those things. People are notoriously bad for not coming to clinics during the Christmas holidays, which would mean I'd be miserable and lonely while wearing work clothes instead of sweat pants. And given that I just came back from Quebec City and am planning a trip to France, I don't feel like I can justify any more travel for a while. So I will be here.
And now I am planning. I'm messaging any friends who might be around to say "Please entertain me". I'm booking a massage. I'm writing a list of things that I can do to keep myself from spending what should be 10 wonderful days off wallowing in a sea of self pity. Or (God forbid) from trying to online date over the holidays, which is really one of the saddest things a person can do.
Any suggestions of things to add to my list?